Always on My Mind Read online

  In fact, he’d had one thing on his brain. One person. His one consuming thought over the past two weeks.

  Thankfully he had a sweatshirt crammed into his backpack, but he just might be the only guy in the state of Minnesota sporting flip-flops. And shorts.

  “I take it you went somewhere warm,” said the woman in the seat behind him as she unbuckled and pulled out her phone. She wore a black turtleneck sweater, a white scarf knotted around her neck. Reminded him of his sister Eden back when she worked in obits. Or maybe everyone dressed like gloom and doom during the dark month of a Minnesota January.

  “Honduras,” he said and pulled out his backpack. Shoot, his phone had died somewhere over Texas and now he’d have to pray that Grace was at home when he showed up at her apartment.

  Hopefully she’d feed him too.

  And hopefully—okay, he more than hoped it—Raina would be there. Willing to listen. Willing to forgive him . . . maybe simply willing to start over.

  That’s all he wanted: a reset. No dragging up the past, just a clean, fresh beginning where Owen didn’t lurk in the shadows, haunting their relationship. Certainly after all these months they could shake off his specter.

  “Well, you’d better get something on those bare feet because according to my phone, it’s a toasty twelve below.” The woman shouldered her bag and stepped out of her row, grabbing her carry-on.

  Casper followed her out through the Jetway and into the bustle of the Minneapolis–St. Paul airport. He stopped at a Caribou Coffee and tugged out his sweatshirt, pulling it on before heading to baggage claim. He smiled wanly at a little girl holding her mother’s hand, gawking at his attire.

  His duffel bag shot out of the chute and landed on the carousel. He picked it up and lugged it to the car rental desk.

  He hadn’t planned on returning in the middle of winter—thus his motorcycle, still in storage, would have to stay tucked away. The female rental clerk also eyed his clothes, his long hair, and his bandanna hat, a smile on her lips. He pegged her around twenty-four—his age—and when she handed him his folder, she suggested he put on some pants before venturing outside.

  Maybe he should have listened, because by the time he boarded the shuttle bus, his legs had lost feeling.

  As he rode out to the rental lot, he took a good look at his sanity and considered that he’d left it on the beach in Roatán.

  No. Raina’s voice had imprinted on him that night two weeks ago and still hadn’t vanished. The strange panic in it gave him the answer to Doug’s question and the strength to give Fitz his notice.

  His resolve only deepened with each day he trained his replacement, so by the time Casper shook the sand off his feet, he’d already returned to Minneapolis. Already held Raina in his arms, at least in his mind, his heart.

  He let the Prius warm before he pulled out of the lot, reviewing his winter-driving techniques before edging into traffic and heading toward Minneapolis. He noticed the Mississippi had frozen nearly solid, the highways coated with salt. He’d forgotten the misery of winter in Minnesota.

  I’m not in love with you, Casper!

  Raina’s shout through the reception hall before Jace and Eden’s wedding suddenly echoed back to him, reaching out to sink brutal fingers in his chest as he took the exit for I-35W, toward the Uptown area.

  But he’d seen her face before she said those words. Seen her beautiful brown eyes fill, her wretched expression.

  Yeah, she’d been lying. Trying to protect him. From Owen. From their secret.

  According to his sister Eden, Grace lived in an Uptown apartment building, just two blocks off Lake Calhoun. Hopefully she’d forgive him for not calling to warn them, but he didn’t want to spook Raina, send her fleeing. He exited the highway onto Lake Street and tried to calm his racing heart.

  In fact, he might be sweating. When he stopped at a light, the past continued to bullet through his brain, as fresh as yesterday.

  There you are! . . . What did you do to her, you jerk?

  His words the moment he’d seen Owen, only a few short hours after his kid brother had shown up for Eden’s wedding, cocky and selfish. And only a few short hours since Casper had assembled all the puzzle pieces of why Raina had rejected him.

  In the wake of his own words, Casper’s fist found his brother’s face. He didn’t care that, as Owen got up, he wiped blood from his fattening lip.

  And then, as Casper’s world crashed around him, Owen shrugged. Shrugged. “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he snapped. “I never hurt Raina. We . . . So we hooked up.”

  Casper nearly came at him again. Instead he’d left before he dismantled his brother.

  It had taken him the last five months to put himself back together. To see how it all laid out.

  Clearly Owen had met Raina at their brother’s Memorial Day wedding. Somehow they ended up together. He didn’t want details, refused to let his brain linger there.

  It wasn’t until after Owen left town that Casper met Raina. Sweet, tough, beautiful Raina, stranded on the side of the road in the mud. He’d invited her to be a part of his dragon boat crew, a competition he’d fought to win—with her at his side.

  And yeah, he’d fallen for her, hard and fast. Apparently she had that effect on Christiansen men. But he’d believed her when she kissed him, believed the affection he’d seen in her eyes.

  Believed that yes, he’d at last found what he’d been searching for.

  Then one day . . . she simply walked away from him.

  He’d finally figured out why.

  Guilt. Somehow she thought she’d betrayed Casper. And frankly, he’d thought it too, after the incident with Owen.

  Except he couldn’t blame her for what happened before they met, and as that truth sank into his brain, his anger had worked free.

  Leaving behind only regret.

  He read the street signs, slowing as he drew up to a three-story brick building. He turned at the corner, found the lot around back, and parked.

  Yes, maybe he needed pants. At the very least real shoes. But he’d get them later—after seeing Raina. And Grace. Right—Grace first.

  He got out, went around to the front door, and got into the building by holding the door for a resident encumbered by a bag of groceries.

  He hooked his foot around the inner door, reading the listing for the apartments on the security system in the foyer. He found Grace’s on the second floor and took the elevator up.

  The place bespoke a green lifestyle—plants near the elevator, clean white hallways with bright windows that overlooked the snowy patio, a covered whirlpool, and Adirondack chairs.

  He stopped at her door and blew out a breath.

  Swallowed.

  Knocked.

  And closed his eyes when he heard the voice. “Grace, seriously? Of all times to forget your key!”

  Raina.

  He smiled, pressed his hand to the door. He couldn’t wait to see her reaction. But just in case she wasn’t ready for guests, he said, “Uh, actually, no. It’s . . .” He took another breath. “Casper.”

  He waited for the door to fling open, stepping back so he could catch every nuance of her expression.

  Yeah, baby, it’s me. Back from the high seas.

  He actually let those words float through his head and wanted to roll his eyes. He let his crazy smile dim. No need to scare her if she wasn’t quite on the same page. Yet.

  The door didn’t open.

  He stepped forward again. “Raina?”

  “What . . . ? I thought . . . Aren’t you supposed to be hanging out on a beach somewhere?” Her voice sounded tight, almost . . . angry? Or maybe just surprised.

  “Yeah . . . or . . . no. I came back. I’m done.” He added a softness to his voice. “I came to see you.”

  More silence. Then, “I thought you were Grace. I’m . . . in my robe.”

  See, this was why he didn’t just let her fling open the door. He had sisters—he got it. “No problem. I�
��ll wait.”

  More silence. A darkness began to settle deep in his gut. “Raina?”

  “Grace isn’t here.”

  Huh. It seemed she hadn’t moved. “Okay.”

  “Can you come back later?”

  Oh. He put his hand on the door, lowered his voice further. “Well . . . maybe we could talk?” He wanted to wince at the soft pleading in his voice, but he already appeared desperate, standing here in his flip-flops, looking nearly homeless.

  “I . . . This isn’t a good time.”

  The darkness webbed his chest. But what did he have to lose? “Raina, please, could we just . . . ? I am so sorry for what happened, and I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and—”

  “Casper?”

  He turned and spotted Grace stepping off the elevator. A bag of groceries hung from her hand. “I can’t believe it!”

  “Hey, Sis.”

  She ran toward him, flung herself into his arms.

  And just like that, he didn’t feel like the underdressed homeless guy in the hallway. He twirled her around, then put her down.

  “What are you doing here?” Thankfully, when Grace said it, it didn’t sound like an accusation.

  “I . . .” He glanced at the door.

  “Oh, Casper.” Grace’s voice softened, and she shook her head, sadness in her expression.

  He frowned. “What?” Oh no. He never considered the idea that Raina might be dating someone else.

  But of course she was—and why not? Beautiful, amazing Raina had moved on. Forgotten him, and now he’d made yet another colossal mistake. “I should have called.” Understatement.

  Grace shook her head. “Let me call Max. He’ll let you bunk there.”

  She wasn’t even going to let him in to talk to Raina? He hadn’t seen that coming.

  Grace took out her phone. But a sound emerged from the other side of the door, something akin to a moan, loud and long, and it stilled them both. He caught Grace’s expression and went cold.

  What—?

  “Grace, is that you?” Raina’s tone dredged up the memory of the New Year’s call.

  “Is there something wrong with Raina?”

  Grace’s jaw tightened, but she pocketed the phone, put the key in the lock. “Casper, just . . . stay calm.”

  Stay calm?

  She opened the door. “Raina, are you okay?”

  “In here!”

  He peered over Grace’s shoulder and guessed the sound was coming from the bathroom.

  Grace turned and handed Casper the bag of groceries. “Stay here.”

  Not on her life. He set the bag on the counter and followed her to the bathroom, not caring if Raina was in her robe—or less.

  But nothing in his brain prepared him for the sight of her sitting on the floor in a puddle of water, her face contorted in pain.

  Pregnant.

  She looked up and met his eyes even as Grace grabbed a towel and asked, “What happened?”

  Raina looked away, holding her belly.

  Her pregnant belly. Casper just stared at her, his brain scrambling. How—?

  “My water broke. I think the baby’s coming.”

  Grace hooked her arm around Raina’s waist, helped her to her feet. “Then we need to get you to the hospital.”

  Casper stepped back as Grace wrangled her through the door, toward the bedroom. “Casper, there’s a bag in the family room. Get it and a bunch of towels.”

  He couldn’t move. Just stared at Raina as she struggled, one hand to her back, groaning. She stopped suddenly, bracing her hand on the wall, breathing hard.

  Oh. My.

  Grace breathed with her. “You’re doing well.”

  Casper rested his own hand on the wall. Tried to breathe.

  The contraction passed, and Raina hobbled to her room.

  Pregnant.

  He stood there, hollow.

  “Casper.” Grace had returned and now stopped in front of him. She reached up and touched his cheek. “Can you help me get her to the hospital?”

  His mouth closed and he nodded. As he stared at Grace, however, the truth took root, burned through him.

  He didn’t have to do the math, didn’t have to use his sleuthing skills to figure it out.

  The woman he loved was having his brother’s baby.

  Of all the times for her wildest dreams to walk through the door, fate had her hunched over, waves of pain suffocating her, immobilizing her.

  In fact, she could barely see straight.

  Another contraction swept through Raina, and she crumpled at the end of her bed, onto her knees, breathing through it—or trying to.

  She might be levitating from the pain.

  Then, just like that, the fist released and left her sweaty and gasping on all fours in the middle of her bedroom.

  Yeah, that was pretty. She felt like a beached whale, awkward and cumbersome. She collapsed onto the floor on her side, willing it all to go away.

  Willing Casper to go away. She glanced through her half-closed eyes to where he stood in the hallway, starting at his tanned bare feet, fresh off the beach, and working her way up.

  Oh, he couldn’t see her like this. Not when he stood there dressed like the free-spirited renegade she’d fallen for, his body bronzed and fit, those blue eyes on her, tearing her apart. One glance at him and it all came back—their summer romance and the fact that she’d fallen so hard it took her breath away.

  And his words through the door—hauntingly sweet, sad, and wanting to . . . what? Whatever the reason he’d returned, seeing her had to knock it out of him.

  For her part, she’d heard his voice, and suddenly the contractions she’d ignored most of the morning roared to life.

  “Raina, c’mon, you have to get up.” Grace’s voice slid through her despair.

  “No.”

  “You can’t deliver your baby on your bedroom floor. We have to go.”

  No.

  “Raina,” Casper said softly. His voice still had the power to stir hope and a sweet, forbidden heat inside her. A low tenor, solid, capable. The man who’d made her feel—what seemed so long ago—cherished.

  Or at least not alone.

  She heard him kneel next to her, smelled him—distinctly male, the saline hint of the sea on his skin. He put his hand on her arm. “Let’s go.”

  No. She couldn’t bear it—the thought of him touching her, seeing her with stringy hair, soiled and fat, coiled in pain. She jerked her arm back. “Go away, Casper.”

  The words burned through her, but she swallowed any attempt to soften them, opened her eyes, and steeled herself against the sight of him.

  If anything, up close he’d only managed to become more devastatingly handsome, with a ragged beard and his chocolate-brown hair curling out the back of a red bandanna.

  He frowned, his sea-blue eyes filled with a concern that could make her weep, especially when he reached out for her again. “Let me help you up.”

  She shook her head, pushed up from the floor. “No. Please, Casper, leave me alone.”

  The next contraction rolled over her, and her body betrayed her. She whimpered, collapsing back to the floor.

  “Hardly. Grace, get me a blanket. Raina, relax. You have to breathe. The baby needs air. Breathe.”

  She’d breathe as soon as her body decided not to turn inside out.

  By the time the contraction released, she was crying. She barely noticed as Casper draped a blanket over her.

  “It wasn’t this bad before,” she gasped.

  “Before?” Casper said.

  “She went into preterm labor a couple weeks ago. She’s been on bed rest ever since,” Grace said as if Raina couldn’t speak for herself. Or maybe she couldn’t because another contraction gripped her, and this time she felt her entire body begin to shift as if the baby had moved inside her.

  “I think we’re running out of time,” Raina said when it ended. She opened her eyes and found Grace. “Okay, let’s go.”

&nb
sp; She was shaking, however, and groaned. Probably that was all Casper needed because suddenly he slid his arms under her and picked her up.

  As if she weren’t the size of a small Volkswagen.

  And Raina, thanks to her pitiful state, uttered barely a protest. He curled her to his chest as Grace tucked the blanket in around her.

  Oh, she’d forgotten the heady sense of being in his arms, the solid planes of his chest, the cotton and surf smell of him, the way he could make her believe she was safe. She hated herself a little when she reached up, grabbed a handful of his sweatshirt. “Please don’t drop me.”

  He gave her a look then, his expression so pained or perhaps horrified that she had to close her eyes. “Never.”

  He carried her from the apartment into the elevator, Grace trotting behind with Raina’s bag.

  “Your car or mine?” Casper said.

  “Mine,” Grace said. “I’ll drive; you hold Raina.”

  Raina didn’t argue. A contraction hit, and she clung to Casper, this time trying to relax, grateful for his grip on her.

  “Breathe, Raina. Just in and out.” He demonstrated as if he’d taken the preparing-for-childbirth classes with her.

  For a second, regret filled her throat. What if he had? What if she’d told him about the baby instead of pushing him out of her life?

  Except, well, the baby wasn’t his, was it?

  She closed her eyes and breathed.

  When they got to the car, he lifted her into the backseat, climbing in beside her. Grace added the bag to the trunk of her Altima and then ducked into the front.

  “Don’t have this baby in my car,” Grace said as she pulled out.

  Raina tried to laugh, but the entire thing seemed so wretched that she could only offer a sad rumble.

  Casper tucked her sweaty hair behind her ear, and she looked at him, her lip caught in her teeth.

  His eyes were wet. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

  “What exactly could I have said that would have made any of this okay?”

  He glanced away, a tear hanging off his chin.

  “I . . . I didn’t mean for this to happen. I wish—”